Try saying, “Hey, Mark, can I talk to you for a minute?” People generally get the sense from this question that you need to talk to them privately, and it is a more serious matter. Step away from others toward a quieter, more private location. Make sure you talk to your friend when they have a few minutes to spare, not when they’re rushing off to class or work.
For example, say “I’m really sorry I made fun of your outfit in front of your crush,” instead of, “I’m sorry about what happened back there. ”
Don’t say “I’m sorry you took it the wrong way. ” This implies that there is a right or wrong way to feel about something. No one is right or wrong for feeling how they do. Don’t say “I’m sorry if what I did upset you. ” This apology puts the burden on the person you hurt and doesn’t make you take responsibility for your behaviour. A better apology would be simple, direct, and acknowledge the pain you caused: “I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings. ”
You can email a note, handwrite one, or even send a card. Check out How to Apologize or How to Write an Apology Letter for examples of written apologies. Be sure to follow up with an in-person apology once your friend is more willing to listen to you.
You could say, “If I could do it over again, I never would have made that joke. I am so sorry I offended you. ”
Putting yourself in another person’s shoes and trying to see things from their perspective is called empathy. There are several ways to show empathy, and one of the most important ways you can be empathic is to listen. Listen to your friend explain how they are feeling without arguing or interjecting your thoughts. [5] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Perhaps you said something offensive about your friend’s ethnic background or religion that you genuinely had no idea would be upsetting. Take this opportunity as a chance to learn and understand where your friend is coming from. For example, you could say, “I didn’t know that your food was part of an important tradition in your culture. I wouldn’t have made fun of you for eating it if I had known. I’m so sorry. I would love to learn more about this tradition. ”
Do not be defensive. For example, “You do it to me all the time, so I thought it was okay!” does not make the listener feel that you are accepting responsibility. It also creates defensiveness in the listener. When explaining your behaviour, acknowledge that you still shouldn’t have behaved as you did. For example, “I was really tired last night, and that’s why I snapped at you. It’s no excuse, though. I should have left early instead of being mean to you. ”[7] X Research source Try saying, “I truly didn’t mean to hurt your feelings when I pulled that prank. I know we like to joke, and I really thought you would find it funny. But now I can understand why you didn’t. ”
You could say, “I learned my lesson that other people’s families are off-limits when it comes to jokes. I won’t do it again to you or anyone else in the future. I can understand now why I made you so mad. ”
Replacing an item you ruined, or giving the person money to replace it. Tell others who witnessed the incident that you were wrong and shouldn’t have done it. You could also help protect your friend from future offenses by letting people them know a certain behaviour is off-limits. You could say, “Hey guys, I know you heard me make fun of Mike’s brother earlier. I was wrong to do it and really upset him. So let’s help him out and not make fun of him in the future, okay?” Doing something kind for your friend: Treat them to lunch, offer to wash their car, or help them study for a test.
You could say, “I really screwed up with this. I feel terrible that I damaged our friendship by offending you in this way. You’re such a good friend to me. ” Talk about how long you’ve been friends and the common history you share. Do not say this in a way that makes your friend feel guilty for being offended; rather, note its importance to you. For example, “I remember how you stood by me when my mum got sick last year. It meant and still means so much to me that you were there. ”
Give your friend a few days if it seems like they need some space away from you. You could check in with a text message after a day or two and invite your friend to an activity you know they would enjoy: “Hey, how’s it going? Do you want to go work out this weekend?” When your friend is ready to hang out with you again, invite them to do something special with you. Do something you both enjoy, and pay for the activity if there’s a cost associated with it.
