For example, if your child says that you promised to take them school supply shopping, and you say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” this can make them confused, and may cause them to doubt their own memory. Or if your younger sibling gets scared of a barking dog, and you say “You’re going to get scared of a dog? Really?” then they’re likely to feel even more anxious and uneasy, instead of comforted.
Avoid using words like, “Suck it up” or “Stop being so sensitive. " This denies a child’s feelings, and makes them feel unsupported. “Tough love” alone can result in an anxious, alienated child. Even if you have to discipline your child, give them lots of love and kindness throughout the day. This helps give them a sense of stability, which can grow into a sense of strength as they grow up. By providing emotional support and stability in your child’s life, they are more likely to trust you and others. They are more likely to act with kindness and respect for others.
Adapt expectations as needed. For example, if your child joins soccer, but discovers that they hate it, don’t keep pushing them to become a soccer star. Let them find a new dream. Encourage their strengths. Notice what your child is good at, and encourage it. For example, if you notice that your child loves to draw, then bring them sketchbooks and colored pencils, and praise their artwork. Encourage independence skills. See if your child can handle things on their own, like opening a tricky jar or managing a friendship conflict. Let them try it themselves. If they can do it, praise them, and if they’re getting frustrated, ask if they’d like help. Talk about good coping skills. Your child may not know how to deal with big emotions. Help them learn strategies, like talking about it, writing in a journal, or getting exercise.
Recognize that children get more tired, irritable, and bored than adults do. They may be less apt to sit quietly or handle long stretches of time in a car. When they are upset, focus on addressing their most common concerns—feeling hungry, being angry, feeling lonely, or being tired. Pay attention to the possible reasons behind their behavior. Instead of saying “Calm down and stop fidgeting,” try saying “What’s bothering you?”
When you’re upset and unable to control your anger, consider stepping away for a minute and breathing deeply. This can help to calm down your mind before you react. Try to become more aware of your emotions as well to avoid letting them get the best of you. If you notice that you are feeling stressed, take a few minutes to yourself to calm down. Be willing to say sorry. Children aren’t perfect, and neither are parents. And that’s okay. If you responded in an angry way, apologize and make sure your child understands that anger is not a solution to a problem.
If your child says “You said we could go to the park today” but you don’t recall that promise, say “I don’t remember that conversation” instead of “I never said that. " If your child says “Look, there’s a puppy!” and you see no dog, say “I don’t see the puppy” instead of “There’s nothing there. " (It may turn out that the dog just wasn’t in your line of sight. ) Be kind if your child does turn out to be wrong. For example, if your child thinks they saw a puppy but it was a goat, you could say “Actually, that’s a goat! But it does look kind of like a puppy, so I can understand why you thought it was one. " This helps them understand that it’s okay to be wrong, and it’s not something to worry about.
For example, “I know you’re upset about leaving the park. It’s no fun to go when you want to stay and play. Because it’s getting late, we need to go home so we have time to eat supper. Do you want sweet potato fries or corn with our chicken?” Or, “I know you want to keep playing video games. It’s fun to play games. Too much screen time is bad for you, and you hit your two-hour limit, so it’s time to be done. If you don’t know what to do, I can give you a few ideas, or you could fold laundry with me. "
Ask questions. “You’re frowning and kicking the dirt. Is something wrong?” Young children and children with special needs may especially struggle to communicate problems, or be upset by things that wouldn’t bother you. Be patient and do your best to understand.
Take note of your emotions. Do you feel out of control with your emotions sometimes? Make sure to get help for yourself if it seems like your most common responses are filled with negativity or anger. Children won’t likely understand what’s wrong or bothering you, particularly if they are under 12 years old. They are not yet equipped emotionally to handle emotional mixed messages. Strive to provide a stable environment for your children and avoid negativity as much as possible. If the environment is often negative, then a child may consider it their fault and this could cause them significant problems later on.
Focus on saying one good and positive thing to your child each day that helps to boost their self-esteem. Give a warm hug to your child. Make them feel protected. A child is more likely to feel confident if they feel secure and protected by you.
Think about how you wished you were treated. Demonstrate in your actions as often as you can. If your child is present, be particularly aware that they may watching your actions. For example, smile and say hello to people you encounter at the store or in public. Show your positive and kind self. Teach them it’s okay to be wrong. Children have less maturity and understanding, and may take things literally. If you criticize a child for being lazy, stupid, clumsy, etc. , then the child may start believing that they really are those things. For example, instead of saying “I can’t believe you spilled your cup again! You’re so clumsy!” you could say “Don’t worry, honey. It’s just some spilled juice. Let’s clean it up together. " Make them feel like they can trust you with their concerns. A role model makes a child feel welcome rather than anxious. For example, be engaged in conversation with them when they’re talking. Show that you’re interested and actively listening. By avoiding distractions and maintaining focus, you can build their trust.
A parent-child relationship is uneven rather than equal. A child depends on you to survive, to feel safe, and to feel loved. If you say or do things to manipulate the relationship in your favor, a child is very vulnerable to this form of control. Investigate unusual behavior, instead of criticizing it. For example, if your child seems hesitant to go to a birthday party, don’t say “I don’t know why you’re so worried! It’ll be fun. You should be grateful you can go. " Instead, try “You seem kind off nervous about this party. Is there some reason you’re not looking forward to it?” This gives the child an opportunity to talk about it. After they open up, ask how you can make it easier for them. If you express frustration too harshly, apologize. For example, “I’m sorry. That was rude of me to speak to you that way. I’m just feeling a little frustrated. I’m sorry I took it out on you. And I’m ready to be a good listener, now, if you want to tell me what’s wrong. " Labeling your own behavior helps the child not take it personally.
Offer words of encouragement and praise. Focus on making the child feel good about what they are doing, rather than only focusing on what they do wrong. Consider saying things like, “I know it’s been a tough day, but I believe in you” or “I know you can do it. You’ve done such a great job before. " When a child feels confused or begins to doubt something that you said, offer an apology. Instead of telling them that they’re wrong or misheard you, say things like, “I’m sorry for the confusion” or “I think we just misheard each other. It’s okay. "
Do you feel loved and appreciated, or hurt, neglected, and disrespected? If you’re feeling unhappy with yourself and your needs, then you may have a harder time providing guidance to your children. Understand how your current work, family, and emotional situation is impacting your health and well-being. Think about if you have felt this way for a long time, or just more recently. By being in touch with yourself, you’re less likely to gaslight your children.
When you have time to yourself, use it to relax rather than just to deal with other problems. Set aside time to exercise, relax, spend time with friends, or whatever helps you feel refreshed. Consider having regular dates with your partner or spouse, away from your children. Block off four hours of time each week to get away from the responsibilities of being a parent. Keep these times consistent each week so that you’re less apt to change your plans frequently.
Consider meeting with your child’s school counselor about resources to help with parenting. Talk openly about any concerns that you may have regarding your child and what stressors you’re facing. Identify counselors that focus on families and children. There may be low-cost therapy options in your area to help you and your child communicate more effectively with each other. Many counseling centers take insurance or offer sliding scale fees.
