Remember that you have two ears and one mouth for a reason. This means that you should be listening more than you are talking. It is more beneficial to listen than it is to talk. When listening to people, engage in the conversation and make eye contact so they know that you care about what they are saying (even if you don’t care, it is still polite). People who listen more are more observant and therefore more thoughtful and have a better understanding of things. Make sure you really are listening and not doing something else. Try to make sure you are completely focused on the person who is talking and not get sidetracked. Make sure you are making eye contact with the person, not someone else or something else. Instead of immediately judging the person who is speaking, or coming up with a “solution” right away, just take the time to listen and to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. [2] X Research source Think about how you would feel if someone was silently judging you. This will help you truly hear the person instead of forming your own opinions before you truly understand the situation at hand.
You may think that this is the best way to be helpful and to approach the situation, but this type of thinking is actually reductive and can make the person feel like you’re not really listening at all. Avoid saying “I” or “me” a lot. This is a good indicator that you’re focusing more on yourself than on the person’s situation. [3] X Research source Of course, if the person knows that you’ve had a similar experience, then he or she may actively ask for your opinion. In this case, you can offer it, but be cautious about acting like your experiences are exactly like the other person’s. This might seem as though you are just trying to make fake situations to seem helpful.
Focus on absorbing everything the person is saying to you. Only after that can you really try to help. Limit distractions. We live in a society that is filled with so many distractions. We are constantly listening to so much noise that it’s a challenge to truly listen to another person. In order for you to be a good listener, you need to limit distractions during your conversation, whether it be the television, telephones or interruptions. It takes a mental decision to limit distractions when you are listening to someone else.
It’s okay if you don’t have a razor sharp memory. However, if you keep having to stop and ask for clarification or keep forgetting who everyone is, then yeah, you won’t come off as a very good listener. You don’t have to remember every little detail, but you don’t want the person who is speaking to feel like they have to repeat themselves a million times, either.
The person who talked to you might be touched that you made the effort to actually think about him or her beyond your conversation and to even check in to see how he or she is caring. This takes your listening skills to the next level. Of course, there’s a difference between following up and nagging the person. If the person talked to you about how she wants to quit her job, you probably don’t want to send a text every day asking if she did it yet, or you’ll be putting unneeded pressure on the situation and creating stress instead of helping.
Don’t interrupt in the middle of a point. Don’t interrogate the person. Instead, gently ask questions when it’s needed(i. e. between gaps or lulls when the person is not talking). Don’t try to change the subject, even if it’s a little uncomfortable. Avoid saying, “It’s not the end of the world” or “You’ll feel better in the morning. " This just minimizes the person’s problems and makes him or her feel bad. Make eye contact with the person so that they realize that you are interested and are listening.
Put aside your own needs, and wait patiently for the other person to unfold their thoughts at their own pace and in their own way.
Of course, when you say that what the person says will remain confidential, it should be true, unless there are circumstances that prevent you from keeping it to yourself, such as if the person is suicidal and you’re deeply concerned. If you can’t actually be trusted in general, though, then you’ll never be a good listener.
Repeat and encourage: Repeat some things the speaker said and, at the same time, provide positive feedback as encouragement. For example, you might say, “I can see that you didn’t enjoy having to take the blame. I wouldn’t have either. " Go easy with this technique, though. Use the empathetic sound back as a nudge from time-to-time because if you overwork it, you will come across as patronizing. [8] X Research source Summarize and restate: It is highly useful to summarize your understanding of what the “teller” has said and to restate it in your own words. This reassures the speaker that you have truly been listening to what he or she is saying and that you “got it”. It also provides the speaker with an opportunity to correct mistaken assumptions and misconceptions on your part. [9] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCMarriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. Make sure to leave the door wide open with statements like, “I may be wrong, but. . . " or “. . . Correct me if I am wrong. " This technique is especially useful when you find yourself getting frustrated or you sense that your listening focus is wavering.
Once you have shown empathetic listening, it is time to move into empowered listening: Re-frame the questions you ask. For example, “You didn’t enjoy having to take the blame. But I cannot understand why you feel blamed rather than merely being asked not to do something that way. " Wording the question in this manner presents the speaker with a need to respond directly to your lack of grasping something. In the response process, the speaker should begin to move from a more emotional response to a more logical and constructive response.
Keep your patience and keep your place in the “teller’s” shoes. It sometimes helps to imagine why the “teller” has worked into such a situation. [11] X Research source
If you interrupt the person too soon, then he or she will be frustrated and won’t fully absorb what you’re saying. The person will be eager to finish saying his or her part and you’ll be causing a nuisance and a distraction. Abstain from giving direct advice (unless you’re asked for it). Instead, let the individual talk the situation out and find his or her own way. This empowers both the individual and you. It is the course most likely to result in beneficial change and self-understanding for the “teller” and for you.
You can even pat the speaker’s hand or knee, put an arm around him or her, or give another reassuring touch. Do whatever is appropriate to the situation. You don’t want to overstep your bounds when it comes to touching. Offer to assist with any solutions if you have the ability, time and expertise. Do not build up false hopes, though. If the only resource you can provide is to continue to be an active listener, make that very clear. This, in and of itself, this is an extremely valuable help.
Focus your eyes, ears and your thoughts only on him/her and become a good listener. Don’t concentrate on thinking about what you will say next, but instead, focus fully on what the other person is saying. (Remember that it’s about the person, not you. )
Pick a place that is free of distractions or other people who might grab your attention. If you go to a coffee shop, make sure you’re focused on the person who is speaking, not the interesting characters who walk in and out of the door. If you’re talking in a public place like a restaurant or a cafe, avoid sitting near a television that’s on. Even if you’re determined to give the person all of your attention, it can be tempting to take a quick look at the television, especially if your favorite team is playing.
Another way to have encouraging body language is to turn your body toward the speaker. If you’re turned away from the speaker, then it may look like you’re itching to leave. If you cross your legs, for example, cross your leg toward the speaker instead of away. Don’t cross your arms over your chest, either. This will make you appear standoffish or skeptical even if you don’t actually feel that way.
Your words: Though you don’t have to say, “Mmhmm,” “I see,” or “Right,” every five seconds or it will begin to get annoying, you can throw in an encouraging phrase here and there to show that you’re paying attention. If that person whom you are talking to really means something to you,then you will surely pay attention and help them sort out their problem if there is any. Your expression: Look interested and meet the gaze of the speaker from time to time. Do not overwhelm the speaker by staring intently, but do reflect friendliness and openness to what you are listening to. Read between the lines: Always be alert for things that have been left unsaid and for cues that can help you gauge the speaker’s true feelings. Watch the facial and body expressions of the “teller” to try to gather all information you can, not just from the words. Imagine what kind of state of mind would have made you acquire such expressions, body language and volume. Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person. This way, they will know that the message is getting through and that there is no need to repeat.
Try to repeat what the other person is saying to confirm the exact meaning. Sometimes words can mean two different things. The best way to confirm and avoid misunderstanding between the conversationalists is to repeat what the other person is saying so that the other person knows you were listening and both of you have the same idea. Consider their circumstances. If they are a sensitive person, don’t give them “tough love. "
