You are always seeking other people’s approval. You apologize as a reflex. You put others’ needs before your own, and your own life suffers for it. You have trouble saying “no” to people. You’re passive and let other people boss you around. You often feel like a victim. You struggle with dating, and feel like you always give more than you get. You end up judging and resenting other people for not reciprocating.
Many “nice guys” feel like everything they try just doesn’t work, and they may end up suppressing their feelings and resenting other people for it. [4] X Research source “Nice guys” can end up with a reputation for being deceptive and creepy, because other people don’t know what the “nice guy” wants or what will make him angry. [5] X Research source Your actions can speak loud. So if you support others often but never ask for support, people may think you are hypocritical.
“If I’m nice, women will love me and want to date me. " “If I meet others’ needs, other people should meet my needs. " “If I do things right, my life will be easier. " Former “nice guy” Dr. Robert Glover calls these “covert contracts. " The trouble with a covert contract is that the other person isn’t aware of the terms, or that you are holding them to the contract. Thus, they’re bound to disappoint you.
Notice if someone doesn’t reciprocate. Assume that this person is probably not a good dating option for you. Recognize that you don’t have to give something if you don’t want to. You can say no. Remember that nobody has to “give you a chance” and try dating you. Just like you aren’t obligated to try dating any random person off the street, nobody ever owes you a date. [7] X Research source If you notice yourself giving in the hopes of getting something back, stop. Instead, just ask for what you want.
Ask someone to race you. Ask a store worker for a discount. Ask strangers for money. Ask to test drive someone else’s car. Ask strangers to take a selfie with you. Warning: Only make the request if you would be okay with them saying “yes!” Sometimes people will surprise you. For example, if you aren’t attracted to men but you ask a random guy out and he says yes, that’s a bad situation.
There are many different ways to be attractive. Some guys are bookish, sensitive, and charming. Some guys are bold, assertive, and spontaneous. Some guys are stoic, gentle, and loving. None of these are wrong. Just because a different guy is attractive in a different way doesn’t mean that one of you is less attractive than the other.
You don’t need a girlfriend to know that you are a good person. Don’t feel the need to copy other men who look successful. Instead, focus on your own strengths, and work on being the best version of yourself. This will make you much more attractive, and you’ll feel better about yourself too.
Women don’t necessarily find “manly men” unattractive. Aggressive, mean, misogynistic, and uncaring men are unattractive, but you can be manly without being those things. Macho jerks are bad, but genuinely manly men are attractive. If you don’t feel comfortable being “manly,” that’s okay too. Focus on wearing and doing the things that make you happy. Be yourself, not a chameleon who mimics whatever he thinks women will like. [11] X Research source
Quit saying yes when you want to say no. Politely say no to people if they make requests that would be too much of a burden on you. [12] X Research source For example, if you have to study all weekend and you’re asked to babysit for half a day, don’t say yes. Just say “Sorry, I have to study. " Break bad news gently. You don’t have to be rude to be honest. For example, you can say things like “No, I think the yellow dress was more flattering” or “I already have plans. Are you free next week?”
It is important to focus on your needs and desires to avoid falling into a nice guy stereotype. [13] X Research source If you feel someone is taking advantage of you, set boundaries with them so that you do not feel walked over. [14] X Research source
Other people are not responsible for fulfilling expectations they didn’t even know you had. Don’t send angry messages to people who don’t want to date you. Instead, take a break and do something that helps you process things or relax. Rage-filled messages can scare women. Consider anger management classes if you feel the need to verbally abuse people who don’t go out with you.
Some people think that “real men” don’t get therapy. In reality, taking a step towards making things right is an incredibly brave thing to do. [15] X Research source
Looking away from you Using “closed off” body language, with their arms or legs folded like a barrier Trying to change the subject or avoid you Turning their body and/or feet away Making excuses, like “I would, but. . . " or “I have a boyfriend” or “I have to go” (You want someone who is enthusiastic about dating you. )
It doesn’t hurt to be attracted to someone who is good-looking. Just make sure that you like their personality too! A sweet, funny, ugly girlfriend is way better than a pretty, mean one.
As you start becoming more assertive, saying “no,” and growing a backbone, it’s possible you will lose a few “friends. " But it’s likely that these people didn’t care much about you in the first place. They just liked using you because they knew you were afraid to say “no” to them.
Incompatible sexual orientations (e. g. a man asking out a lesbian) You’re not that person’s type The person is already in a relationship The person is too busy for a relationship The person wants to focus on their own issues right now The person has trust issues
Look at them and smile flirtatiously. Find excuses to touch them (if they seem comfortable with it). Compliment them. Ask them out. It can be simple: even just “I think you’re beautiful and I’d like to take you out to a movie sometime” is a good way to ask someone out.
Which person do you think the average straight single woman would want to date: the guy who constructs elaborate fantasies in his head without doing anything, or the guy who will listen to her, surprise her with her favorite food and flowers, and rub her feet after she has had a long day at work? (You can be the second guy!) Remember that it’s what you do, not who you are, that makes you a viable partner. You can change what you do.
If you get turned down for a date, it’s not the end of the world. Now you know that you would be wasting your time trying to date this person, and you can look for the next person to try asking. If your date turns down an invitation for a romantic activity, it’s okay. Maybe they’re too busy, or they aren’t in the mood. If you think something might be wrong, just ask “is everything okay?” People can tell if you’re trying to take a “tit-for-tat” approach. [21] X Research source For example, if you do little things for your girlfriend in the hopes that she’ll reward you in the bedroom, she’ll probably figure out what you’re doing and think you’re manipulative. Instead, only do nice things for the sake of being nice, and ask for what you want.
Try using “I” language or the nonviolent communication style to express how you feel and what you want.
If you never tell your date what you want, they may end up feeling very confused because they don’t know what’s going on in your head. A good partner wants to date someone who will speak their mind. Hiding your true wants and thoughts just builds up toxic resentment, which isn’t good for you or your relationship.
