Communicate your expectations with your spouse. Tell him what you need from him, and ask him to tell you the same. Understand that men and women have been created to be different, physically and emotionally. Each has a distinct role within a Muslim marriage but both should be mindful of Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa and remain focused on the Afterlife. Study the Qur’an and Sunnah to better understand your and your husband’s rights and responsibilities to each other and to Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa.
Some partners may need to be reminded to help around the house. If your husband does not notice when things are messy, consider asking him to be in charge of particular chores.
Try new things together. You probably both have games, trips, sports or adventures you’ve wanted to do but haven’t yet done. Take turns leading expeditions and organizing new activities. Try to prioritize Sunnah activities like horse riding and archery over activities that have no Islamic benefit. Have fun at home. If you have kids, play with them and read the Qur’an and stories of the Prophets of Islam together. Think up new ways to entertain them with your husband. Teach your kids about Islam. Help them to understand that developing their relationship with Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa is the key to success in this life and the next. Teach them to pray and practice the religion.
For instance, if you are angry, say “I feel upset that…” instead of saying “You’re mean and you make me angry!” The Prophet ﷺ said to his wife Hazrat Ayesha, “Show gentleness, for if gentleness is found in anything, it beautifies it and when it is taken out from anything it damages it. ”[6] X Research source Break rising tension by reminding yourself (and your husband) to avoid the influence of the Shaytan. Say something like, “Love, let’s not give in to the Shaytan. Can we discuss this when we are both calm?” Pick your battles. Not everything that annoys you is worth a confrontation.
If you decide to have children, discuss with your spouse how best to raise your children in the love and service of Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa. Remember that Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa has entrusted the raising of future generation of Muslims with us, so we will be asked about it on the Day of Judgement and it will play a major part in determining our destiny in the Afterlife. One of the most important decisions is how your children will received their Islamic education. Madrassa after secular school, full-time Islamic school and homeschooling are all good options. Whichever way, make sure that they are brought up in a Shariah-compliant home and practice what they learn.
If your husband likes physical affection, kiss and hug him when you greet him. If he likes to be told that you love him, tell him freely. If your spouse responds to compliments, look for something to compliment him about every day. Some husbands love gifts. Arrange treats that are special to him.
Leave him love notes and thank-you notes, but remember that all blessings come from Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa, so say “Alhamdulillah” when you see something that makes you feel grateful. Consider other ways of showing appreciation, such as helping him out with a task he is stuck on.
Lovemaking should be undertaken with three intentions in mind—to avoid Allah’s punishment for zina (adultery), to protect from the gaze of strangers and to procreate future generations of pious young Muslims to serve Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa. With these three intentions in mind, making love is not only an act of enjoyment but an act of worship that pleases Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa and will help strengthen your emaan. Flirt and enjoy foreplay, as Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa encourages you to do. Establish consent with your partner. You may speak while you share intimate moments, although excessive talk should be avoided. Ask for permission before initiating something new. Say what you enjoy, and ask your husband to stop if they are doing something you don’t like or forbidden in the Shariah. Mutual pleasure and satisfaction are key. At the time of commencing intercourse both husband and wife should recite “Bismillaah, Allahuma jannabnash shayTaana wa jannabish shayTaana maa razaqtanaa” - In the name of Allah, O Allah! Save us from the Shaytaan and prevent Shaytaan from that which you grant us (i. e. children). Your will be blessed if during intercourse you remain mindful of Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa though it is makrooh (disliked) to make dhikr out loud at this time. At the time of ejaculation, you may say in your mind (but not out loud) “Allaahumma laa taj,’Al lish shayTaani feemaa razaqtanee naSeebaa” - O Allah! Do not grant Shaytaan any share of that which you have granted me”. These duas are important as God-willing they will help protect any progeny from harm. Both husband and wife must perform ghusl (major ritual bath) janabat as soon as possible after intercourse and certainly before salah or reading the Qur’an. You may make dhikr (except reading Qur’an) in the intervening time before performing Ghusl and may wish to take the opportunity to make dua together to thank Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa for the gift of intimacy and to ask for pregnancy.
During Ramadan, abstain from sexual intimacy except at night between iftar and suhoor. Make sure you are rested and well-fed enough to enjoy the exertion! Remember that the reward for every good deed, including intimacy, is multiplied by 70 during Ramadan so be sure to take advantage of this. The Shariah prohibits intercourse during menstruation. However, cuddling, kissing, and caressing your husband to stimulate the emission of madiy are perfectly fine. He will always appreciate your touch, affection and understanding. If your husband is away for an extended period, for example on business or on a dawah (outreach) program, then maintain your chastity and seek Allah’s reward by busying your mind reading and reciting the Qur’an, praying and fasting. Remember that Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa is always watching so always be on guard to protect yourself from temptation by keeping up with your dhikr (remembrance of Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa). Otherwise, when in good health the wife is normally required to fulfill the husband’s reasonable requests for conjugal relations (and similarly for the husband towards the wife), even if more than once in the night, or the Angels’ curse will apply until the morning. If your husband exercises his Islamic right to marry a second wife (or even up to four), then try to find a way of making all the marriages work fairly, for example by accepting that he may stay two nights with each co-wife in turn, praying for your co-wife’s happiness and expressing gratitude to Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa when your turn comes.
Remind your husband to stick to practices that brings him closer to Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa, especially Sunnah acts of ibadah (worship). Always keep the Qur’an at the center of your marriage. Read and recite the Qur’an together. Ask your husband to remind you about the natural world, hygiene, exercise and other practices that help you feel in step with your faith. Study Islam together with your husband and try to implement what you learn in your home. Avoid unnecessary interaction or chit-chat with unrelated men. If you do need to speak as a matter of necessity it should be done in a business-like manner and never in a room alone.
Remember that Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa loves to be asked for help and guidance, so always pray when you approach an important decision in your marriage. Set aside time after every salat to pray for your husband and children. Thank Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa for having a Muslim family and ask for help to keep them strong in their faith. Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa will hear your prayer and will answer it in the way that is best for you, even though this may sometimes seem to involve hardship. Always acknowledge your sins to Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa, including those against your husband, such as forgetting to lower the gaze. If you ask for mercy and sincerely promise not to repeat them then Allah Subhana wa Ta’ala will always be inclined to forgive.
Teach you children to use the Islamic greeting too.
Familiarize yourself with the Islamic dress code and dress to please Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa by identifying yourself as a Muslimah. Some wives choose to take the additional step of covering the face (niqaab) as an act of religious devotion. This is something that many husbands may suggest but it must be the wife’s own decision. Brush your teeth with a miswak and gently wash your face every day.
“If a woman fears ill-treatment (mushuz) or indifference (i’radh) from her husband, it is not wrong if (at her initiative) the two set things peacefully to right between themselves. If the two break up, Allah provides everyone out of His abundance, for Allah is resourceful, wise. " (4:128-130)[17] X Research source Whilst the Muslim wife is normally required to obey her husband, this requirement is suspended in the case of a husband who is behaving in a way that opposes the will of Allah Subhana wa Ta’alaa. 4:34 sets out how a husband may help his wife stay on the true path of Islam. It is not an excuse for violence.
Learn how to recognize a manipulative or controlling relationship. Being a good wife in Islam does not mean you have to suffer in silence if your husband is physically, verbally or in any other way abusive.
