How To Be Assertive With Pictures

Firm, relaxed voice Fluent and sincere Appropriate volume for situation Cooperative and constructive

Receptive listening Direct eye contact Open body stance Smiling when pleased Frowning when angry

“I won’t be taken advantage of, or attack another person. ” “I will stand up for myself in a respectful manner. ” “I will express myself directly and openly. ”

Verbal features of aggressive communication might include: sarcastic or condescending remarks, blaming, shouting, threats, boasting, or the use of put-downs. Nonverbal features of aggressive communication might include: intruding upon others’ personal space; fist-clenching, crossed arms, scowling, or staring down another person. Thoughts associated with aggressive communication might include: “I feel powerful, and will get others to do my bidding," “I am in control of other people,” or “I refuse to be vulnerable. ”

Verbal features of passive communication might include: hesitancy, quiet, self-dismissal, or self put-downs. Non-verbal features of passive communication might include: averting the gaze or looking down, slouched posture, crossed arms, or covering the mouth with hand. Thoughts associated with passive communication might include: “I don’t count,” or “People will think poorly of me. ” Note that being passive is not the same thing as being passive-aggressive, which is characterized by agreeing in the moment and then being resentful or retaliatory later.

Older generations may find it more difficult to act assertively. Men were once taught that emotional expression was a sign of weakness, while women were taught that stating their own needs and opinions conveyed messages of aggression. Sometimes, it can even be difficult for us to discern which behaviors are appropriate to use in different situations.

If your family taught you to place the needs of others before yourself as a child, it may be difficult for you to assert yourself. If your family or peer group handled conflict by yelling and arguing, you may have learned to deal with conflict accordingly. If your social group believed that negative emotions should be concealed, or if your have ever been ignored or ridiculed for expressing these types of feelings, then you may have learned not to communicate negative emotions.

For example, if someone ignored your phone call, maybe you felt sick to your stomach or tension in your shoulders.

Strong and effective communication Confidence Self-esteem enhancement Gain respect of others Improves decision-making skills Reduces stress of not having needs met Enables conflict resolution Self-respect increases Feelings of being ignored or coerced replaced by feelings of being understood and in control of decisions Tendency to be less depressed Decreased likelihood of substance abuse

Keep it brief. Be clear. Be honest. For example, if you don’t have time to do a favor that you don’t have time to do, you can simply say, “I can’t this time. Sorry to disappoint you, but I have too many things to do that day, and there’s no room in my schedule. "

It may help to breathe deeply if you start to feel upset. Doing so will initiate your body’s calming process and help you stay in control.

For example, instead of speaking to a family member in long sentences full of hints and indirect statements, you can be brief and direct: “I love when you call me just to talk! It’s hard for me to have a long conversation during work hours, though. I’d appreciate it if you called during the evening instead. "

Basic assertion: This type of “I” statement can be used in everyday situations to make your needs known, or to give praise, information, or facts. Basic assertions can also be utilized in self-disclosure situations to ease anxiety and enable relaxation. It includes: “I need to leave by 6 o’clock,” or “I enjoyed your presentation. ” Empathetic assertion: This particular “I” statement contains elements of recognition of another person’s feelings, needs, or desires, as well as a statement of your own needs and desires. It can be used to indicate your sensitivity to another person’s position, such as, “I know you are busy, but I need your assistance. ” Consequence assertion: This is the strongest form of “I” statement, often used as a last resort assertion. It can be misinterpreted as aggressive if you are not careful to observe your non-verbal behavior. The consequence assertion informs another person of the penalties for not changing their behavior; usually in situations when someone is not considering the rights of others. An example would be a work situation when procedures or guidelines are not being followed: “If this happens again, I am left with no choice but to pursue disciplinary action. I would prefer to avoid that. ” Discrepancy assertion: This type of “I” statement is used to point out a discrepancy between what has been previously agreed upon, and what is actually happening. It is used for clarifying misunderstandings and/or contradictions in behavior. You might say, “As I understand, we agreed that Project ABC was our number one priority. Now you are asking me to allow more time for Project XYZ. I would like you to clarify which is now the top priority. ” Negative feelings assertion: This form of “I” statement is utilized in situations where you feel negative feelings toward another person (anger, resentment, hurt). It enables you to convey these feelings without making an uncontrolled outburst, and alerts the other party of the effects of their actions. You might say, “When you procrastinate on your report, it involves my working over the weekend. I feel annoyed by this, so in the future I would like to receive it by Thursday afternoon. ”

Keep your voice calm and volume neutral Maintain good eye contact Relax your face and body position

Acknowledge when you have stress in your life. Make a list of the things that are contributing to your stressful state.

Sit in a comfortable chair or on a pillow. Close your eyes and focus on sensations that you’re having. Pay attention to what you feel with your body, what you hear, and what you smell. Turn your attention to your breathing. Inhale for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four. Whenever your mind wanders, dismiss the thoughts without judgment and refocus your thinking on your breath. You might add a mantra or metta, or a saying that uplifts you and gives you positive feelings, such as, “May I be peaceful,” or “May I be happy. ”[7] X Research source You might also try a guided meditation, which helps you visualize relaxing imagery. [8] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source

Sit comfortably in a chair with your arms and legs uncrossed, feet flat on the floor, and hands resting on your thighs. Gently close your eyes. Breathe in through your nose, observing the quality of the breath while inhaling and exhaling. Slowly lengthen each inhalation by smoothly deepening each breath down into your abdomen. Pause briefly, then note the smooth, steady breath released as you exhale. Begin counting the rhythm of your breaths. Inhale for 3 seconds. Exhale for 3 seconds. Maintain slow, even, and controlled breathing. Try not to speed up. Use this rhythm while breathing for 10-15 minutes When finished, gently open your eyes. Relax momentarily. Then, slowly rise from the chair.

Find a comfortable position in a chair with your feet flat on the floor, your hands resting on your thighs, and your eyes closed. Start the exercise by clenching your fists, holding for 10 seconds. Then release, feeling the relaxation sensation for another 10 seconds. Repeat. Tense your lower arm by bending your hand downward at the wrist, hold for 10 seconds. Release, and relax for another 10 seconds. Repeat. Work through the rest of your body, pausing to tense and relax each muscle group. Start with your upper arms, shoulders, neck, head, and face. Then continue with your chest, stomach, back, buttocks, thighs, calves and feet. When you’ve worked through your entire body, sit for a few minutes to enjoy the sensation of feeling relaxed. Stand slowly to avoid dizziness (blood pressure drops when relaxed) or tensing up again unexpectedly. If you don’t have 15-20 minutes to complete the entire exercise, you can practice on muscle groups that are noticeably tense.

I – Identify the problem. D – Describe all possible solutions. These might include handling it yourself, asking for intervention from someone else, or doing nothing. E - Evaluate the consequences of each solution. Evaluate your feelings and needs to determine the best outcome for yourself. A - Act. Choose a solution and try it. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. L - Learn. Did the solution work? Evaluate why or why not. If it didn’t work, look at the other solutions on your list and work through them.

You should consider the other parties as you make your decision, but the final say will come from you.

For example, establish a boundary with your boss of not working on the weekends or not working overtime without three days’ notice. If you’re talking to a friend, have a boundary of not picking her up at the airport again until she picks you up when you need a ride.

You may think that being a people-pleaser will put you on people’s good side, but unfortunately, an overabundance of generosity usually has the opposite effect on people. People only value the things they invest time/energy/money into, so if you’re the one doing all the giving, your esteem for that person will skyrocket, but theirs for you will decline. Take a stand. People may resist at first – or even be shocked by your transformation – but in the end, they will respect you for it.

Practice in low-stakes situations. Do all your friends love that new TV show everyone’s talking about? Don’t be afraid to admit that you weren’t all that impressed. Has someone misinterpreted what you said? Don’t nod and play along; explain what you really meant, even if the miscommunication was harmless.

Off-loading decision-making onto everyone else is a passive-aggressive way of shirking your responsibility – and placing the consequences squarely on someone else’s shoulders. The next time your friends ask you where you want to go to dinner, don’t respond with, “Oh, wherever”; give them a concrete answer.

For instance, if you drive your roommate to work every day, yet she doesn’t pay for gas, approach her about this issue. You can say, “I don’t mind giving you rides every so often. Owning a car is really expensive, though, and I am saving you money and time if you were to take the bus to work every day. Would you mind chipping in for gas every week? I’d really appreciate it. ” In this way, you are acknowledging that she might not realize that you feel a certain way. Now she is aware of the problem without you using an accusing tone.

Can you maintain eye contact when communicating with others? Do you project your voice properly? Do you speak confidently (without using the phrases “uh” or “um” frequently)? Is your physical posture or stance erect and open? Do you have the ability to ask questions when clarification is needed? Are you comfortable around other people? Are you able to say no when appropriate? Are you able to express anger and annoyance appropriately? Do you offer your opinion when in disagreement with others? Do you defend yourself against mistakes that are not your fault? If you answered no to 3 or fewer of these questions, you are likely a self-assured individual. If you answered no to 4-6 of these questions, there is a significant chance that you see yourself negatively. If you answered no more to than 7 questions, you are likely to experience tremendous difficulty with self-confidence. You may often doubt your worthiness of respect or see yourself lower in the social hierarchy.

Try not to be easy to read, especially if you are nervous or uncertain. Hide your “tells” by controlling your hands, feet, and facial expressions so that they don’t betray your emotions. If making eye contact is a problem, practice with sunglasses and then work up to doing it barefaced. If you must avert your gaze, look off into the distance as if in thought, not down. Even if you are nervous or confused, you can still act confident. There’s no shame in asking questions.

If people aren’t noticing you, say “Excuse me” clearly and firmly. Don’t be apologetic when you haven’t done anything wrong, as this can communicate to people that you feel slightly embarrassed just for existing. Try to be concise when you speak. Even the most confident person in the world will lose their audience if they don’t make their point soon enough. Avoid saying um or like as much as you can when you’re trying to make a strong statement. Make a conscious effort to get these words out of your vocabulary.

Dressing well doesn’t necessarily mean dressing up. If you’re the naturally casual sort, focus on having clean, matching, unwrinkled clothes with no embarrassing slogans or inappropriate images. Making an effort to be serious about your appearance will make it look like you’re more serious about your demands.

When the moment comes, remember how confident you sounded when you were just rehearsing, and work to sound even more confident when it counts.