This includes biting comments such as, “I thought you’d never get rid of those jeans!” or, “I’m surprised you ate that considering your weight. ” As the old saying goes, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. ”
For example, if you have a friend who is always late, don’t lash out at them if they are late, yet again. Instead, say, “I woke up early to be ready and meet with you, yet stood here waiting for you for 20 minutes. Please consider my time when we agree to meet. ” If you need to talk to the person but know that you’re not calm, take some time to neutralize. Give it an hour, a day, or a couple days depending on what you need. Say, “I’m upset now, but I’d like to speak with you about this later so we can better understand each other. ”
Face-to-face is best; it helps both people read each other’s body language and respond to nonverbal cues.
For example, if someone goes on and on about a subject you’re not interested in, ask them nicely to talk about something else. Say, “I hear what you’re saying. Let’s move onto something else” or, “I understand your opinion and don’t want to talk about this further. ”
Find ways to speak kindly to people and offer to help them. For example, say, “I’ve noticed you’ve lagged on some deadlines. Is there anything I can do to help you to get these tasks done on time?” Ask yourself, “Might this hurt the person’s feelings?” or, “Can I say this in a kinder, more constructive way?”
For example, you might have strong religious values or moral beliefs. If you’re trying to convert someone to your truth, honor their choice to not engage in the discussion, even if you know your words to be true. Often, forceful discussions turn people off instead of allowing them to appreciate your perspective.
Don’t just listen to their words, be attentive to their body language, too. If they are avoiding eye contact, crossing their body, or looking like they want to leave the conversation as soon as possible, consider changing your tone.
Forget saying “should” as in, “You should try this” or, “You should do this instead. ” This invalidates the other person and makes it sound like you’re the expert. For example, say, “I can see you’re upset by me saying this, and that’s understandable. I want to bring something to your attention, but I also don’t want to hurt you. ”
For example, to a flaky friend you can say, “You are such a great friend and I really love hanging out with you, and yet, I also get really frustrated when you cancel last minute. ”
For example, if you have a friend doing drugs, don’t say, “Drugs are bad for you, I can’t believe you’re doing them. ” Instead, say, “I’m concerned about you since you’ve started using drugs. I’ve noticed changes in your behavior and I’m concerned things may not be going well for you. ”
If you find yourself saying, “Well, someone had to say it” as a way to express anger toward someone, you’re likely using your honesty as a way to blame others.
For example, speak softer to avoid sounding aggressive.
Make a small joke or say something silly to get your point across.
For example, if someone asks if you like their terrible food, say, “This is a unique flavor unlike anything I’ve ever tasted before!” or, “My favorite part of the meal is the potatoes. ”
