Write down a list of good things about yourself. Do something that makes you feel happy and confident. Don’t be afraid to try something new and scary. Don’t even think about skipping this step – it’s crucial. You don’t have to be outgoing and hilarious, you just have to have a healthy level of self-esteem.
Believe it or not, research has shown that embarrassing yourself in front of other people can actually get them to like and trust you![2] X Research source After a second thinking about it, it makes sense: you show everyone you’re real, just like them. What a relief! You’re no longer perfect. Phew. Close one. The more genuine you are, the better.
Once you realize the little things in life can be thrilling, the enthusiasm will flow. After all, life is short. Not every cup of coffee has to be the best cup of coffee you’ve ever had (in fact, it could be the worst), but you can still be enthusiastic about it. Woo, coffee! Finally! Morning jitters! It feels so good.
So the next time you meet someone who’s 24 and they’re telling you about the time they spent making chainmail and sous-chef-ing at one of your favorite French bistros, allow your jaw to drop in subtle incredulity and ask for an explanation. Pry a little. You’re interested!
It’s best to put a little effort in (read: more than just a shower). Humans go off of looks probably more than they should. If you’ve read Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink,” you’re familiar with the Woodrow Wilson effect (and how he got elected based on his authoritative good looks and good timing (photojournalism being new and all) and even if you’re not, you probably know enough about JFK to see the link. Whether we like it or not, being pretty has its definite benefits. No two ways around it.
Start by observing someone who’s really well-liked on these three levels. How do they stand in relation to others? When they’re on their own, do they seem easily approachable? Now how do they talk? What do they say and how do they say it? When you start noticing patterns, start observing yourself. What patterns could serve you to emulate?
Though it doesn’t go for everyone, it’s usually safe to say that women are more liked when they’re a bit softer. Two words: Hillary Clinton. The butt of more jokes than possibly anyone ever. And why? Because she acts like a man in a man’s world when she’s not one. She’s also awesome and a great role model, so if you’re a woman, aim for something between her and June Cleaver.
If someone walks in the room and you immediately light up and smile, they’ll recognize it. How awesome would it feel to be received like that? You’re capable of giving everyone warm, fuzzy feelings just be seeming genuinely interested in them because you just plain ol’ like them. It’s not making yourself vulnerable; it’s being real.
Start by being as patient and polite as you can with people. Listen and try to help if you can. Do things for people because you want to, not to get something back. No matter how much of a bad mood you’re in, be as nice as you can to people. Remembering to be kind and sincere when you’re not feeling like it can actually turn your mood around.
Let’s say you walk up to your coworker at work and you great home by name and say, “How was your weekend?”. and he replies with a simple, “Good, good. Got to spend some time with the fam. " Instead of saying, “Oh, that must’ve been nice,” keep it open-ended. Respond with, “Oh, do you not get to see them much?” Soon he’ll be relaying you with the moving patterns of his second cousins. As long as you seem interested he’ll keep going!
Being able to take a joke is a very useful quality. When people get to know each other, there’s a level of crap-giving that builds solidarity and allows for bonding. If you can do this for other people, it shows that you’re fun, flexible, and comfortable with yourself. Use other kinds of humor too! It’s all good. If you can use the kind that unites the group, even better. Getting people on the same level allows them to feel more at ease around you. So make ’em laugh!
Touching a person can create an immediate bond. Think of someone saying hi to you, giving you a wave, and passing by. Now think of someone saying hi, brushing you affectionately across the shoulder, and passing by (probably smiling and making eye contact, too). Which person do you feel more connected with?
Use the person you’re talking to’s name. Work it in. Per Dale Carnegie, it’s the sweetest sound to any person. And if you’ve just met them, it’ll help you remember it! Remember details. Did your boss mention his daughter’s cookie sale randomly and in passing last week? Ask him how it’s going. You may or may not have a sweet tooth that needs squelching.
When people compliment you, just say “Thank you. " If you find an opportunity to talk about how great you are, let the moment pass. People don’t have to know how many awards you’ve won or how many names you can drop or how many things you’ve seen and done. Those will come out naturally in conversation. You don’t need to insert them.
That being said (you knew there was a caveat, didn’t you?), know when to commiserate. Complaining is a tool that can drive people together. Just make sure you don’t do it all the time! Did your boss just take away casual Friday and insist everyone work late? Appropriate. Did Sheila just take the last donut? Not appropriate. Again, pick your battles.
If it’s getting awkward, politely excuse yourself. A simple, “Well, I have to get going. I’ll see you later!” is not something to be questioned. And don’t think it’s just you: Awkward conversations make up 17% of all conversations. Maybe. There will be science on it eventually. Probably.
It is not impressive to treat people beneath you as if they’re beneath you. So tip the waitress. Ask her about her day. Don’t scowl at the grocery clerk about the clean-up in aisle 5. Be polite to everyone.
That doesn’t mean you should be aloof to the emotional needs of others, but try to help others in a comforting and reasonable way. People want to see a person that is stable and happy. Try not to get easily offended by harmless jokes, and have a good sense of humor about things in general.
This will also put you around people that you may naturally get along with. It’s hard getting along with strangers and people that you don’t have anything in common with. A club or group is a great place to test your new social jiujitsu!
When we’re nervous, it’s tempting to avoid eye contact. If this is an issue of yours, make it a point to look at you. If you don’t, it can be a little offensive – especially if they’re talking! They’ll not know of your issues and just assume you’re not paying attention. A good rule of thumb is if they’re talking about something that seems important to them, make the effort. If it’s just casual, off-hand remarks, let your gaze wander.
Not everyone shares the same interests. Because of this, not everyone will like you. Reading up on NASA’s latest findings and getting tickets to the Doctor Who one-night special won’t get you into the group that spent last night watching Real Housewives of Alcatraz. Stick to what interests you – it’s all that really matters.
It deserves to be said once more: there is no pleasing everyone. You will get along with some people and you won’t get along so well with others. This is how the world works. So when you don’t jive with someone, don’t stress. You’ll jive with someone else.
