Unlike some social cues, the seven basic facial expressions are said to be universal in expression across all cultures. [2] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source These expressions are joy, surprise, contempt, anger, disgust, sadness, and fear. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Facial expressions change rapidly, and may communicate more than one emotion at a time. For example, the person’s face may show both amusement and fear if something very surprising has happened.
The inner corners of the person’s eyebrows will be pulled slightly inward, and up towards the forehead. Look for the skin below the person’s eyebrow to appear slightly triangulated, with inner corner turning up.
Examine her forehead, and look for wrinkles in the center between the brows, not across. If someone’s afraid, the upper eyelid will be raised, while the lower lid is tense. The upper white of the eye will be visible, but not the lower.
If you’re not sure if you’re interpreting the person’s body language correctly, it’s usually okay to ask the person verbally. However, if the person himself isn’t aware what he’s communicating, he might respond by telling you everything’s fine when it really isn’t.
If the person is finding it difficult to talk, it’s possible that she’s upset or close to tears. If she’s speaking in an arch, overly articulate manner, it’s likely that she’s being sarcastic. Since sarcasm is a form of teasing, this might indicate that she’s angry but trying to pretend not to be.
This step might feel like it slows down a conversation. That’s okay, because it will also keep feelings from getting hurt through misunderstanding. However, you can also ask someone to repeat what he’s said. Saying, “Excuse me?” or “Would you mind repeating that?” are polite ways to ask someone for clarification. Remember that this will be most important to do when you’re talking about sensitive topics.
If you’re listening and trying to fix some problem the person has at the same time, then you’re less likely to be able to really hear what the person is trying to say. Trying to help is a kind of judgment. For best results, listen first. Some people can listen more attentively when they’re doing something with their hands, but for other people this might look like inattention. If it is easier for you to listen when your hands are occupied, make sure you let your friend know this. [10] X Research source
Refrain from analysis of what the person is saying until after she has finished. Think about who’s talking. If you’re really paying attention to someone as she talks, you’ll also be better able to consider why they’re saying what they are saying. For example, if the person is a mother of a teenager who’s been in trouble, she may be more anxious and judgmental about moral behavior.
Good manners also include careful listening and sensitivity to someone else’s feelings. For example, refraining from interrupting another person while he’s talking, or nodding to show agreement and understanding are ways that polite behavior can show respect for another person. One of the things that many children are taught is the adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. ” While this may not always be appropriate advice, a thoughtful restatement of the adage could be, “If you can’t say something nice, consider saving your comment to share later with someone else. ”
Acknowledging what the person has said doesn’t mean that you always have to agree with her statements. Even if you strongly disagree, you can respectfully acknowledge the person’s perspective. [14] X Research source It’s important to communicate gently on sensitive topics.
Instead, when you feel yourself getting heated, take a deep breath before responding. Count to five internally. Research shows that when your pulse goes above 100 beats per minute, you’re more likely to make poor word choices. If you feel like you can’t calm down, it’s okay to take a break from the conversation.
Make sure your questions are open-ended, allowing the person to choose how to respond. Leading questions, or questions that are attempting to persuade someone else of the correctness of your own point of view, don’t show respect for the other person’s feelings. If you ask questions that can be answered with yes or no, make sure you allow the person time to provide additional clarification if he chooses.
For example, “I’m feeling sad about what you just said, because it reminds me of an experience I had in high school…” will be kinder than “You’re wrong, because when I was in high school, this happened to me. ” If you’re expressing empathy with the other person in the conversation, chances are he’ll be able to respond to your feelings with empathy as well.
Being sensitive to someone’s feelings doesn’t mean pretending to be someone you’re not. However, before you offer your opinion or ideas about another person’s experience, always check and make sure that the person wants your honest opinion. Focusing your feedback on the person’s actions, rather than who she is as a person, may help prevent hurt feelings.
Instead, acknowledge the person’s feelings. Some variation of “I’m sorry this happened,” is likely to be met with appreciation, as are statements like “What you’re going through sounds really hard. ” It’s okay to let him know that you don’t know what his experience is like. If you’ve been through something similar, acknowledge that what he’s going through may be different from your own.
Making frequent eye contact while you speak. This will allow another person to realize that you’re sincerely attempting honest communication. However, eye contact shouldn’t be sustained for long periods of time, or it may be interpreted as aggression. Direct your body towards the other person as you talk. Intermittent, light touches on the person’s outer arm may communicate friendliness and support. More sustained pressure may not be welcome, or may feel either aggressive or flirtatious. It can be a good idea to ask someone if it’s okay before offering even a light touch. Then, respect the person’s response. Keep your arms uncrossed and relaxed. Make sure your facial muscles are relaxed, and smile if this comes easily to you.
Learning to recognize the signs of fear, anger, anxiety, and sadness in yourself will help you more easily empathize with others’ feelings. Pay attention to concrete signs of your own feelings. For example, notice if your palms start to get sweaty, or if you start to shake. Does your stomach start to ache as your anxiety increases? Does your breath become shallow?
It can help to remind yourself that strong feelings aren’t wrong or bad. If you’re feeling guilty for having strong feelings, this will only compound your stress. Having a regular exercise routine will help you cope with strong emotions as well.
If there are people or topics that you can’t avoid, make sure to allow yourself time and space to recover afterward. Realizing that sometimes topics are hard for you because you need to pay attention to them might help you put your own feelings in perspective. Take a calming walk, spend time playing with your dog, or just take time to sit by yourself breathing deeply.
