If one parent has shared this news you should make sure the other parent is aware of the decision before you say anything. It is not your place to inform the other parent. You may have to be firm but they should be the one who informs the other parent of their wish to divorce. Don’t blame them for not wanting to have the discussion but do not agree to have it for them. Realize the decision to tell the children was very difficult and probably a major point in the process. Be sensitive. You probably have not lived with them for some time and are not aware of all the issues that have developed
Make sure your parents inform your other siblings as soon as possible. You don’t want them finding out the wrong way from the wrong person. You will need to work on this as a family and that means the family being informed.
Consider how far you live from your parents, siblings and other relatives. If they are at risk from learning this information from another relative or family friend you should make time to have a family meeting and share the news. Explain to your children that you will be helping your parents as much as possible and your attention may be divided. Explain that it doesn’t change who their grandparents are, they will still be grandmother and grandfather. Encourage them to still speak and interact with them individually. Consider the maturity of the child and their closeness to their grandparents.
Agree to not take sides but to share information and help each other and your parents get through this tough time.
Ask your parents to refrain from making disparaging comments about your other parent. However, since you are older and less impressionable, this may not be as big of an issue. You’ll need to work this out for yourself. Discuss this approach with your siblings.
You may be needed to help sort and move property. You may be needed for moral support. You and your siblings may need to help a parent arrange for lawn care, help with laundry, etc. if that was something your other parent maintained.
Find out where your parents want to be buried. Ask if there are family burial plots that have been purchased. If the divorce will exclude a parent from the plot ask the parent where he/she would like to be buried. If either parent has medical problems you should try to attend a doctor’s appointment with that parent. Get an understanding of the condition, the medications and make sure the doctor’s office changes the next of kin listed on the file.
Perhaps move family gatherings to your home or siblings house instead of your parents’ home. If you do visit a parent who doesn’t cook, offer to cook something there or make it potluck. Consider having your mother over for lunch on a holiday and your father over for dinner.
If a parent becomes too co-dependent, you may need to back away and become less available. You may need to declare that the discussion of divorce is off limits for a particular day or event. Encourage them to talk about other things and get their mind off the subject for a while.
Help them find hobbies and activities that involve other older adults with similar interests. Encourage them to explore interests they never tried when they were married.
