When you learn to focus your attention on the other person and their emotions, you will naturally become more sympathetic. [1] X Expert Source Evan Parks, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 26 October 2021.
Don’t try to multitask, and avoid distractions during the conversation. Turn off your phone if you can, to avoid interruption. [3] X Research source Keep your body open by leaving your arms and legs uncrossed. If your hands are visible, keep them relaxed and facing slightly sideways. [4] X Research source This will help communicate that you are engaged in listening to the other person. Lean toward the person. Leaning in toward the other person may make them feel more comfortable talking to you. Nod as the person is talking. Nodding and other encouraging gestures help people feel more comfortable talking. Mirror the other person’s body language. This isn’t to say that you have to directly copy everything they do, but keeping your body in a similar posture to theirs (for example, facing them if they are facing you, keeping your legs pointed in the same direction as theirs) will help create a supportive atmosphere with your body language.
“No-solution listening,” according to author Michael Rooni, allows you to provide other people with a safe space to vent and work through their feelings. They do not feel pressure to take your advice, nor feel like you are “taking over” their problem or situation. If in doubt, ask: “I want to support you however you need me to. Do you want me to help you problem-solve, or do you just need a space to vent? Either way, I’m here for you. “[7] X Research source If you went through similar experiences, you may be able to help with practical advice or methods of coping. Frame your advice as your personal experience, not a command. For example: “I’m so sorry you broke your leg. I remember how much it sucked when I broke my ankle a few years ago. Would it be helpful if I shared what I did to cope?” Make sure not to come across as dictating a certain course of action. If you do have advice and the person is interested in hearing it, phrase it as a probing question, such as “Have you considered ___?” or “Do you think it would help if you _____?” These types of questions acknowledge the other person’s agency in making their own decisions and sound less bossy than “If I were you, I’d do ______. “[8] X Research source
Be aware that some people may feel too emotionally vulnerable or raw to enjoy a hug at that moment, even if hugging is commonly part of your interactions. Take note of the other person’s body language and judge whether they seem open. You can also ask, “Would a hug make you feel better?”
Mention a specific date and time in your offer, rather than asking someone when they’re available. This gives them one less thing to decide or think about during a stressful time. Ask before offering food. Particularly in certain cultures or after funerals, the person may be overwhelmed with pies and casseroles. Something else could be more helpful.
Do not reference your religious views when expressing sympathy to someone who does not share them.
“I’m sorry to hear that. " “I heard you were going through tough times. " “That sounds painful. "
“How are you feeling?” “How are you coping with everything?”
“You are in my thoughts. " “I am here when you need me. " “I’ll be in touch later this week about helping out with _____. " Avoid the very common “Let me know if there’s anything I can do. " This actually makes the person have to think of something for you, which they may not feel capable of doing at this time.
“It’s okay to cry if you need to. " “I accept whatever you need to do right now. " “It’s normal to feel guilty. " (or anger, or whichever emotion the other person just expressed)
Instead, try saying something like, “I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I know how sad I was when my own dog died. " Most importantly, never claim that your own problems are more serious (even if you feel that way). You are here to support the other person.
Try not to accidentally minimize or invalidate your friend’s experience. For example, if you try to comfort a friend who has lost their pet by saying, “I’m sorry you lost your dog. At least it could be worse - you could have lost a member of your family,” you’re actually invalidating their grief for their pet, even if you don’t mean it that way. This could make them feel reluctant to share their feelings with you, or even feel ashamed of them. [13] X Research source Another example of invalidation is the well-meaning, “Don’t feel that way. " For example, if your friend is struggling with body image issues after an illness and tells you that they feel unattractive, it would be unhelpful to reply: “Don’t think like that! You’re still attractive. " This tells your friend that they are “wrong” or “bad” for having their feelings. You can validate the feelings without agreeing with the idea behind them. For example: “I hear you saying that you’re feeling unattractive, and I’m so sorry that hurts you. That must really suck. If it helps, I think you’re still very attractive. “[14] X Research source Similarly, don’t say “at least it’s not as bad as it could be. “[15] X Research source This can be interpreted both as a dismissal of the person’s problems, and as a reminder of additional problems in the person’s life.
For example, you may be a deeply religious person who believes in an afterlife, but the other person does not. It may feel natural to you to say something like, “At least your loved one is in a better place now,” but the other person may not get comfort from that.
Once you have said your piece, let it go. You may be able to bring up the point again if new information comes up. For example, “I know you don’t want to take pain medication, but I heard about a safer drug that might have fewer risks. Are you interested in the name so you can research it yourself?” If the person declines, drop it.
Do not even jokingly insult someone who needs sympathy. They may be feeling vulnerable and easily hurt.
