Though speaking with your gut can lead to a lot of interesting ideas, it can also help to take a few minutes to formulate your thoughts first. If you instantly disagree with something your boss says, for example, you’re better off thinking of concrete examples for why you disagree instead of just blurting out that you think it’s a bad idea. Notice the people around you. You may want to make a comment about how excited you are for your wedding, when one of the people there is going through a bitter divorce. Though you don’t have to hide your enthusiasm forever, you may be better off finding a better time to make your comment.
Gently correct gossip. Example: “I’m sorry you heard that about Jane Doe. When I spoke to her, she said that it was just a rumor about her getting fired. " Say something non-committal. Example: “I’ve never met John Doe, so I wouldn’t have a clue about his drinking habits. " Say something positive. “Mary Sue may be late a lot, but she does really good work. " Or, “Bill Jones has always been civil to me personally. " Change the subject. “You know, your comment about the boss reminds me of something. There’s an office party coming up, right? Are you bringing anyone?” Remove yourself from the situation. If people keep being negative and the situation isn’t letting up, then you can excuse yourself and say you need to get back to class or work. You should make it seem unrelated to the conversation at hand. Ask the person nicely to stop. Say “I’m really not interested in gossiping about our neighbor,” or “I’d prefer not talk about that in the office. "
If you want to give negative feedback to a friend, you can say something like, “I think it’s so sweet of you to always want to set me up with the single guys you know. But when you try to do it every time we go out, it kind of makes me feel pathetic. " If you want to give negative feedback to a co-worker, you can say something like, “I really appreciate how hard you’ve been working on the new project. However, I think the project can be even better if you let Mary help you out a bit more. "
For example, if you want to talk to a coworker about how she needs to get her work done faster, don’t tell her she’s “slow”; instead, ask her if she can think of ways to be “more efficient. " For example, if you’re telling your boss you’re leaving your job, you don’t have to say something like, “I am just way too smart for these people”; instead, you can say something like, “This company isn’t the best fit for me. "
For example, if your friend Linda is excited to tell all of her friends about her recent engagement, then you may have to hold off the news that you’re pregnant for another week, so Linda can enjoy the spotlight for a bit longer. You don’t want her to feel like you trumped her big day. For example, if your boss is wrapping up a long presentation at the end of the work day, this may not be the best time to ask your question about an unrelated report. Asking the question now will only lead to confusion and your boss will be focused on the presentation and won’t have the energy to address your concerns; if you wait until the next day, your boss will be happier to discuss the issue with you.
For example, if your boss asks you to take on another project and you just don’t have any more time on your hands, you can say something like, “Thank you so much for thinking of me for this opportunity. Unfortunately, I’m still wrapping up those two other projects you asked me about and I won’t be able to take on the extra work. But I would love to help out on something similar in the future. " For example, if your friend invites you to go hiking but hiking isn’t really your thing, you can say something like, “Your weekend trip to the Redwood forest sounds amazing, but I’m going to take it easy this weekend — I’ve had a crazy week at work and need to decompress. How about we catch up over drinks next Friday?”
This also goes for revealing personal information about other people. If you’re with a close friend and a few less-than-close friends, don’t pick up on a private conversation you had with that friend in front of the other people; your friend might have been happy to talk about his complicated relationship with his mother with you, but he may not want the world to know about it.
Actions really can speak louder than words, so make sure that your body isn’t sending a different message from your mouth.
For example, saying something like, “Mary, I understand that you’ve had a lot on your plate recently. . . " can make it easier for you to ask Mary to help out with another project. If you just say, “Hey, can you stay late to finish up a new report for me?” then Mary is likely to think you’re insensitive.
For example, if you and your partner got a raise but no one else in the company did, it’s best not to brag about it in front of everyone. You can have a private celebration later.
For example, if someone gives you an ugly sweater, say: “Thanks so much for the present. I’m touched you thought of me. "
Paying attention to how people are really feeling as they’re speaking can help you respond to them in the most tactful way possible. For example, if your co-worker is really struggling with a project but is afraid to ask for help, listen for cues, such as nervousness, stuttering, or repetitive speech to see if he or she is trying to reach out to you. Actively listening can also help you see if a person has shut down and doesn’t want to hear any more about a subject. If you’re giving feedback to a coworker who is already upset by it, you can tell by his or her words that he may not be ready to hear more; you should gracefully end the conversation and pick it up later.
