Let your mom know what kind of communication you want have with her. Be sure to listen to her input, too.
For example, if you feel like your mom doesn’t understand how you feel about your new tutor, you might want to say something like, “I don’t think you understand how I am feeling about this and I want to make sure that you do. It’s not that I don’t care about my grades, but I would like the chance to improve my grades on my own before I start working with a tutor. " Encourage your mom to share her feelings as well. [3] X Expert Source Rebecca Kason, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 12 August 2021. Explain to her that you don’t always know how she is feeling and you would like her to help you understand. If your mom is upset, ask her if she’d prefer to have some alone time for a little while. [4] X Expert Source Rebecca Kason, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
Ask questions if something she says isn’t clear to you. Allow her to finish what she has to say instead of interrupting Instead of jumping to conclusions about what she means, ask for clarification when you don’t understand. Try to validate her emotions, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. [6] X Expert Source Rebecca Kason, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
Focus on open-ended questions to keep the conversation going. Questions that start with “how” or “why” are especially good. For example, if your mom tells you that she likes a certain book, ask her why she likes it. If your mom doesn’t ask these same kinds of questions in return, you can still provide more detail in your answers. For example, if she asks you how your day was, you could say, “It was not so great because I had a quiz in math that I didn’t know about and because my best friend was sick” instead of just saying it was bad. Eventually, you two will get in the habit of sharing more information with each other whenever you talk.
It may seem awkward to share these details at first if you’re not used to it, so try starting small. Every family has different boundaries as far as what they do and do not want to share with each other. If you don’t want advice about the issue, tell your mom that. Consider saying something like, “I just want to let you know what’s going on with Jane, but I can figure out what to do about it on my own. "
Always keep your cool. Avoid yelling, name-calling, and slamming doors. For example, instead of yelling, “That’s stupid! You don’t get it!” consider calmly saying something like, “I see your point, but I’d like to share my opinion with you. " Always respect your mom’s opinion, even if you think it’s wrong. Listen to what she has to say, and then share your own opinions with her. Just because you are close with your mom does not mean you have to agree with her on everything. You can still maintain your own voice, and you can even debate your different points of view as long as you remain respectful of each other’s opinions.
Your common interests can be anything at all, from traveling the world to playing with your cat. Take the initiative to plan some activities yourself. For example, if you and your mom both love animals, plan a trip to the zoo. You can let her in on your plans ahead of time or consider surprising her.
This is even more important if you don’t get to see your mom very often because of her work schedule, for example. The two of you should agree on how often you will have your bonding time. It may be once a week or once a month, depending on your schedules and your own personal preferences. You might decide to do the same thing every time (like going out for ice cream every Friday night) or you may plan different activities for each time. The important thing is that you are together and doing something that you both enjoy. You don’t necessarily have to go anywhere for your bonding time. You can stay at home and bake cookies together if you both enjoy doing that.
Put phones, computers, and other devices away. Instead, focus on having a conversation or doing some kind of activity together.
Consider doing something special for your mom for her birthday or Mothers Day. For example, you could plan a day at the beach together or make her dinner. Let you mom know that you want to celebrate special events in your life by spending time with her too.
You may want to let your mom know you care by telling her you love her or by kissing and hugging her. You could also try thanking her for something that she did for you. For example, you might want to say, “Thanks for making dinner tonight, Mom. I know that you were really busy today and it means a lot that you still took the time to cook for me. " You can also let your mom know that you care about her by being kind, polite, and respectful. For example, you could make an effort to say “please” whenever you ask her to do something for you. Try helping her out more around the house. This shows you are thinking of her and appreciate all of the things she does for you.
Sometimes changing the relationship requires changing yourself. For example, if your relationship with your mother is strained because you have betrayed her trust, work on becoming more responsible and earning that trust back. The longer you wait to resolve conflicts, the worse they will become, so deal with your issues as soon as possible.
This is usually the best strategy for small, inconsequential things. For example, if you and your mom disagree about what kind of party you should throw for your dad’s birthday, you may want to just let it slide. Don’t just brush aside issues that are really important to you. For example, if you and your mom disagree about what you should study at college, you should not disregard your own opinions just to avoid a conflict.
Always take a moment to think about why your mom might feel the way she does. Keep in mind that her various life experiences will influence her opinions. Doing your best to understand where she is coming from is a great way to start having more empathy for your mom. It’s important to keep in mind that your mom is a human being who makes mistakes, just like you. Don’t expect her to be perfect.
If you want to let your mom know that you forgive her for something, be straightforward about it. For example, you might say something like, “I want to let you know that I was really hurt when you said negative things about my boyfriend, but I forgive you and I’d like to move on. " Try to avoid bringing up conflicts from the past in present arguments. You can encourage your mother to forgive you as well.
When you do this, avoid insulting your mother or accusing her of anything. Using “I” statements can help you focus on your feelings instead of her actions. For example, consider saying, “I feel like you are disappointed in me when you say things like that” instead of, “You never appreciate anything I do for you. " If your mom lets you know that something you did or said hurt her, it’s important to be understanding and try to work with her to correct the issue.
